Ryan and I
Every morning, Ryan comes searching for me in my office, or as Ryan calls it "house." He throws open the door and stands in the doorway with this sweet smile and just says my name and then runs away. Eventually, he comes to stay and some mornings (though far too few) he'll just sit on my lap while I work on the computer. Other mornings (and by this I mean most), he'll want me to "pick up" or "circle" which is his way of saying, "do something cool that makes me defy gravity." And some mornings, he'll just want to play a chase game or a "boo" game and show me how much English he knows.
Throughout the day, anytime Ryan sees me his face lights up and he yells my name. I can be walking down the hall or peeking in his classroom windows and without fail he sees me and gets excited. Perhaps, that's why I love him so much; I've done nothing to earn his adoration, but adore me he does. Or maybe that is more the reason why I started adoring Ryan, now I appreciate his commitment to using English with me, his silly quotes, his sweet smile that he gives me when no one else is looking, his silly belief that we're married, and most of all his unconditional love.
I've worked with all ages of children and teens for years and through that experience I've learned something: when you make them upset (usually through discipline) they don't easily forgive you. Even now, there are kids I teach that I've gotten in trouble and it takes a few minutes to earn back their favor (and with teens it's even worse!)
Ryan gets in quite a bit of trouble in my classes. He definitely always desires my sole attention and struggles with the fact he isn't the quickest at naming English vocabulary. He also is a class clown and when my back is turned he will do anything to get a few laughs. Because of these misbehaviors, Ryan doesn't always get a sticker in his behavior book at the end of class. In fact, right now Ryan has the least of everyone in his class.
And yet while I go around passing out stickers at the end of class to the students who recieved one, Ryan will put his hand on my shoulder as he looks at the stickers Eric gets to chose from. I know he's upset to not recieve one because he always tries a little harder when he loses one of his marks (they have four marks on the board...lose one and they don't get a sticker, lose two and they have time-out, lose 3 and we call home). But he never gets angry at me when I don't give him a sticker. Other kids will refuse to give back their books, hit me when I walk past, try to steal a sticker, or more. But Ryan just looks at me with his sweet little smile, hands me his book, and waits until I say goodbye to try and get one last "circle" or "pick-up" out of me. He usually follows me to the door laughing loudly and saying my name. It's unconditional love.
I didn't have to do anything to earn Ryan's love--except for maybe be born white--and I really don't have to do much to keep it. Some days I can get him in trouble and others I have completely ignorned him in my quest to finish lesson plans. And yet, I still him shout my name every time he sees me. He unconditonally loves me.
It gets me thinking about how awesome God's love is. I mean it's even more unconditional than Ryan's is for me. I can mess up every day, I can forget God exists, I can lie/steal/cheat, I can do anything. And yet nothing is to big for God and he will ALWAYS love me.
I can just picture God looking down at the world, seeing me and his whole face lighting up. And He's literally shouting for joy because I'm there, because I just exist. How awesome is that kind of love? And to know that God has it for me and will always have it for me...oh it gives me goosebumps!
I've also been guilty of wanting so badly for Ryan to recieve all the rewards he should be getting for behaving correctly. There are days that I allow him to get away with not listening far longer than I allow the other students. And I may even be guilty of adding a few stickers to his book after class (he was just so far behind!) and today I seriously considered giving him a piece of candy when he came to say goodbye (he's the only kid who did today!) And he tries so hard with his English words that I often ake extra time teaching him a new word or giving him a head start on the rest of his class to name a flashcard first. I just want to give him everything; though sometimes I know I can't.
I'm sure God's the exact same way. I hear people ask all the time, "how can you belive in a loving God when he lets x happen?" Do you really think that God ever wants "x" to happen? I'm sure that God often feels just like me, he wants to slip me an extra friend because he knows I'm feeling lonely. But he knows I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone and attnd Bible study to meet people. Or he wants to drop a bottle of parmasean cheese in my lap but he doesn't because he knows my eating habits are not conducive to raising children one day. I know that God would LOVE to give me all those rewards and blessing and oftentimes, he does. But there are times where it breaks it heart but he knows that it will strengthen me and help me grow so we do it the hard way.
As I sit in this office and count down the minutes until my desk-warming duties for the day are over, I'm amazed at how much God has taught me in the short month and half I've been here. He's used a broken mirror and a 4 year old so far--though those are only the ones I've told you about, there's been so much more--to teach me great lessons about Him and to strengthen my relationship with my Father. I know that I'm here for a reason and I'm sure I'll learn much more about God be it from Ryan, my walk home from work, coworkers who don't speak English, or even Burger King.
And just for kicks and giggles--and because I'm having a hard time properly ending this post--a conversation with Ryan this morning:
"Kara, here" [hands me flowers]
"Ryan are these for me?!?! Oh thank you, I love them!"
"For wife. Daddy and mommy flowers. I you flowers."
"Thank you Ryan."
"yes, okay. I love you. Bye" (and he runs away with my heart in his hands!)
:). The kid really does think we're married. But if I get flowers out of it, I'm taking them :)
=) Too cute for words.
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