A Gaggle of Giggles

Warning: No real point except to incite a chuckle.

Yesterday, I went and got my hair done (which was luxurious) and on my way home I ended up in a weird sort of subway option. I took what ended up being an airport express train and got to my transfer station much quicker. However, the fast train deposited me in the basement of a huge subway station named Seoul Station. So I'm wandering around the basement trying to figure out where I am and in a slightly frustrated state. The frustration levels only continued to rise as it took me almost 20 minutes to figure out where I was only to find the escalators overloaded with people and so I decided to take the long concrete stairs. Which were quite full as well but did not have a wait to get on.

I walked over to the stairs and noticed they were a bit icy and distinctly remember thinking in my head, "don't fall." I even purposely pushed my way to the edge so I could hold the hand rail. So I'm walking along and my big feet on small Korean stairs just didn't work well enough because I start to slide down. I tried in vain to grab for the hand rail I was holding but it didn't work and I landed flat on my bum and slid down a few stairs. In embarrassment, I gave a little laugh and stood up quickly. I took about two more steps and hit another icy patch and slid again. this time it was a much better fall as i went down about two stairs and managed to almost take a Korean with me. I stood up much less quickly this time as I could feel where my back had hit and was feeling a little sick from the fall.

But of course, I still laughed. I mean when someone falls it's pretty much always laughable. And this was twice in a row and I'm a foreigner which immediately draws attention on me. Not one other person laughed. I didn't hear any chuckles from any of the Koreans. I also didn't hear any, "are you okays." It was like they saw what happened, put it in their memory, and moved on. It was so disappointing. Worse than the pain in my back was the knowledge that Koreans don't find falls humorous or a reason to help others.

This morning, I feel that fall. My back is pretty black and blue and a bit swollen too. But I'm still chuckling a bit at the absurdity of it all. And I sincerely hope that someone else could at least smile at my story.

Warning: I lied. This does indeed have a parallel to it BUT I really want someone out there to just laugh with me first.

This week I've been feeling like i've taken a couple blows. My computer crashed and just when I'd come up with a solution for that, my credit card wouldn't work here. Then I had been so excited to get my hair done and just when I finally decided to make the appointment, I used my bank account to buy a computer and had less than .$50 in my bank accounts.

And that's not even counting what happened before coming here. I used up all of my savings (which I had managed to save despite a 300$ a month paycheck) only to have to pay key money and rent up front and again have no money. I put clothes on a credit card incurring my first ever debt only to lose so much weight in my first month few fit any more.

And on an on it goes.

Sometimes I feel like I take this big fall which hurts but not too bad and I can bounce right back from it. And then just as soon as I've bounced back from it, I take another fall. And that fall always seems to hurt worse and I recover much slower from it.

And there have been a lot of times I've considered just sitting there after the first fall. And somehow God kicks me in the bum and I jump up quick. But then I fall again and I can't help but wonder what the heck God is doing. I mean i already stood up God. I stood up and I kept walking and I didn't even complain that much. And then I get shoved right back down and God tells me to stand up again. Sometimes I just want to look at God put my hands out and stare him down until he magically picks me up!

But I get up again. Or maybe God magically picks me up and I don't realize it.

And I'm going to keep getting up. I'm going to keep letting God pick me up. And I'm gonna walk down those same steps again because I know it's the path God's got me on and no matter how many falls there are, I'll take each one if it means that I'm in some way following God's plan for me.

So my message: Embrace your falls. Each and every one. And no matter the pain, heartache, confusion, or disillusionment stand up again and keep walking. Because God's in there somewhere and he's going to have a hot pack and some advil at the next stop ;)

God is Sovereign

November 22, 2010. A fellow teacher rushes in and in fast Korean announces something to the children. The children immediately begin crying. She looks at me and in broken English says, "basement. North Korea bomb now." I looked at the 11 Korean children in the room, the assistant teacher who was trying to consule them, and I wondered why I didn't listen to all the people telling me that coming to South Korea was crazy.

The assistant teacher and I sheparded the children into the elevator and ended up carrying quite a few as fear (and screaming) prevented them from walking. On the short ride to the basement, the danger of the situation finally assaulted my senses full force. I was in charge of 11 crying Korean children, was the only person who spoke English (as my supervisor had left for the day), and was most likely going to die (even if North Korea didn't kill me, my mother probably would for not heeding her warnings about the danger).

When we arrived in the basement there were even more screeching children (almost 200) and my little group was huddled into one corner. Once they were all sitting down I began to assess the reality of what was happening. The only thing I knew was that North Korea was bombing. Did that mean they were using their nuclear weapons? In which case, I might as well enjoy my last few minutes on Earth and ditch these crying kids for Ryan ;). Or were they just normal bombs in which case if they didn't hit where I was what did they hit? And why no matter how bad the situation is would they tell 2 year olds (my ears are still hurting a month later)? And if they told the 2 year olds, it must really be a big deal which means it's probably nuclears so we're all going to die? Will it be fast? Why didn't I eat more chik-fil-a in my life? Does my mom still know where my Bob the Builder lunchbox coffin is? Does she realize I was serious about my death being a party?

After about 20 minutes, I spotted one of the teachers who speaks English. She was in the midst of screaming children as well but it was a necessity. And so I dragged the three children that refused to let me leave to where Grace was who shouted the answer to my, "what's going on?" Her directly quoted answer, "North Korea attacked an island and the director is stupid."

She went on to explain (literally yelling over the screaming children) that the director thought it was serious and issued the drill without warning teachers and therefore teachers paniced and told children and the madness we are now looking at is a result.

Over an hour later, only a few kids were still crying and the rest were back to playing games with their home room teachers (classes were stopped). And I was able to read a million reports online about the reality of the situation. And to be honest after believing for 20 minutes that North Korea was launching nuclear missiles on Seoul, the facts seemed bearable.

Fast Forward to Now. There are news reports all over right now about North Korea being upset by South Korean (and American) forces performing drills near the DMZ. North Korea promised to retaliate if they did the drills but the day of the drills passed without retaliation. South Korean experts now believe North Korea will attack either the DMZ, a town near the border, or a tourist attraction in Seoul. Most South Koreans continue to live their lives normally and not show evidence of any fear; however, if you really talk about it most will say they are scared.

Tensions have escalated between the two nations (or as some would say are constantly escalating). There are all sorts of reasons why this could be from the new South Korean power party not working with North Korea, to American aid stopping, to Kim-Jong-Il's son coming into power, to the NK's need for a move that stops NKs shifting attitudes.

I've done a lot of research on the North and South since the "incident." I decided if I was going to die by North Korea's bombs I better at least know why they didn't like the South and who they are. It's interesting...very interesting.

But all of that research and all of the current news reports and all of the conversations with South Koreans and other foreigners has only led me to one divine truth: God is Sovereign.

I know without a shadow of doubt that God is completely in control and that there is nothing that God has not forseen. And so if North Korea were to attack South Korea tomorrow, I can trust that God has forseen that event and allwed in to come into being. I can't pretend that I could understand why but I can proclaim to trust in the Lord.

And so as I look forward to the next 10 to 12 months in a nation with escalating tensions with a nuclear power, I declare a solid belief and trust in the Lord Almighty.

Not Of, But In...?

Be Warned, Controversial Post in the Making

So this past week I've been thinking a lot about the Bible verse that tells us we should be in the world but not of the world, which I believe is somewhere in the middle of John.

And just what exactly does that mean?

I think to begin with, I have to explain why my thoughs have been on this verse (and a few others) so much these past days. And it all starts with the culture that is ESL teachers in Korea. A friend described the ESL teacher lifestyle to me before I came as being similiar to a college fraternity or sorority but oftentimes with much older people. And upon extensive facebook and blogger stalking, I discovered this was pretty much true. Most ESL teachers it seemed spent a large amount of their time in Korea going to bars, drinking all sorts of alcholic beverages, going to clubs, and more. All things I have never really done and to be honest haven't ever wanted to do. I mean can you really imagine me on a dance floor?

And so, I knew about this culture long before I came and was prepared to completely ignore it. I know now that my thought then was that I'd find a group of people my age at church who were just like me and therefore I'd easily ignore the stereyotypical ESL teacher lifestyle. A thought I've now learned is completely ridiculous and based way too much on the bubble I lived in within Northwestern College and within Camp Sonshine.

I've discovered that a lot of the people my age that I've met at various churches, all drink. Now, I know this is a controversial Christian topic with opinions taking all forms but I think for the purposes of this blog I need to make it clear that I do not think drinking is sinful. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine or sipping a strawberry margarita. Nothing. Though, in case any of my wonderful teens are reading, I want to make it clear that I do think it's wrong for those underage (Romans 13:1). And I also think it is wrong to let your mind be affected by alchol in any way; for some people that's half drink and for others that's 4. I think it's important to note I'm not saying it's wrong to simply be drunk, I'm saying I think it's wrong to even be tipsy.

(Now as a quick aside, I hope I can make it clear that these are my opinions and I know that people have different ones. And I think that if we all step back and make sure we've sought God's counsel on the right and wrong of this issue and are satisfied we have, there's no point in arguing or judging.)

So all of this to say that last Saturday night I was invited to a brewery. This is somewhere that I have never been and never before had a desire to go. But yet, I was quite lonely this weekend after spending it completely alone and so I accepted the invitation and found myself sitting in a Canadian Brewery in Korea. At this brewery, I was introduced to many different flavors of beer and drank my first ever glass of Beer Cider as well. And over these drinks I was able to enjoy great conversation with several other ESL teachers. Much later that evening I allowed a few drops of the disgusting drink of soju to cross my tounge as well while watching one of the other ESL teachers get us invited into a most ridiculous club/restaurant/bar type place. At around 2:30am, I left the party to head home knowing that my mind was clear and I was exhausted. After a few hours of sleep I awoke the next morning and forced myself to attend church where I was blessed to hear another incredibly awesome service at SIBC.

So the question you ask?

Why do I feel so uneasy?

I've been asking myself this for days. On the taxi ride home that evening I started to feel a bit sick to my stomach (though much of this I account to the fact that I ate perhaps half a meal all of Saturday) and ever since that night I've been wondering what is right and what is wrong.

And that has brought me full circle to "in the world, but not of the world."

I've been so wrong these last few years to limit myself to only going to Christian places and only having Christian friends. I've put myself into what people have jokingly called a bubble with my peers. And because of that I've missed a great opportunity for ministry. Just because someone does not think the same way I do, does not mean that there cannot be a friendship. Rather, it means there SHOULD be a friendship so that there can be evangelism.

I think the above statement is actually quite obvious and to be honest, I've been thinking it for a while. But what gets me even more is when I think about being in the world with other Christians.

I know that I've been guilty of judging fellow Believers and not understanding why their limits are different than mine (and don't get me wrong I think the Bible is pretty cut and dry on a lot of sins). And I've been searching for fellow Believers like those I've met at camp (which ironically enough most people live a very different life outside of those summer months) but I really haven't found them.

But my point? That doesn't mean I can't be learning from them or that they love Jesus any less!

And it most certainly is not my place to judge.

So my commitment? I'm going to keep seeking God's truth. Because to be honest, I haven't fully figured it out. I'm still struggling to understand what's right and wrong and how to not feel uneasy. But I do know this, that for as long as those people will have me, I'll be their friend. Because they're pretty dang awesome. And I'll do what I think is right and they'll do what they think is right and together we'll grow in God.

Some Interesting Facts That Have Crossed My Mind While Thinking About All This:

1. If I drank one beer a weekend (which is 5$ a beer), I would spend 260$
a year.
2. If I bought breakfast at McDonalds (which I like better and is a full
meal) each week, I would spend $156 a year.
3. Second-hand smoke is deadly.
4. Romans 12:2, John 2:1-12, Proverbs 23:29-35, Galatians 5:21

No Sticker? Why? Okay, I love you.

So for those of you that follow my facebook status updates, I've completely fallen in love with a little boy named Ryan.

Ryan and I

Every morning, Ryan comes searching for me in my office, or as Ryan calls it "house." He throws open the door and stands in the doorway with this sweet smile and just says my name and then runs away. Eventually, he comes to stay and some mornings (though far too few) he'll just sit on my lap while I work on the computer. Other mornings (and by this I mean most), he'll want me to "pick up" or "circle" which is his way of saying, "do something cool that makes me defy gravity." And some mornings, he'll just want to play a chase game or a "boo" game and show me how much English he knows.

Throughout the day, anytime Ryan sees me his face lights up and he yells my name. I can be walking down the hall or peeking in his classroom windows and without fail he sees me and gets excited. Perhaps, that's why I love him so much; I've done nothing to earn his adoration, but adore me he does. Or maybe that is more the reason why I started adoring Ryan, now I appreciate his commitment to using English with me, his silly quotes, his sweet smile that he gives me when no one else is looking, his silly belief that we're married, and most of all his unconditional love.

I've worked with all ages of children and teens for years and through that experience I've learned something: when you make them upset (usually through discipline) they don't easily forgive you. Even now, there are kids I teach that I've gotten in trouble and it takes a few minutes to earn back their favor (and with teens it's even worse!)

Ryan gets in quite a bit of trouble in my classes. He definitely always desires my sole attention and struggles with the fact he isn't the quickest at naming English vocabulary. He also is a class clown and when my back is turned he will do anything to get a few laughs. Because of these misbehaviors, Ryan doesn't always get a sticker in his behavior book at the end of class. In fact, right now Ryan has the least of everyone in his class.

And yet while I go around passing out stickers at the end of class to the students who recieved one, Ryan will put his hand on my shoulder as he looks at the stickers Eric gets to chose from. I know he's upset to not recieve one because he always tries a little harder when he loses one of his marks (they have four marks on the board...lose one and they don't get a sticker, lose two and they have time-out, lose 3 and we call home). But he never gets angry at me when I don't give him a sticker. Other kids will refuse to give back their books, hit me when I walk past, try to steal a sticker, or more. But Ryan just looks at me with his sweet little smile, hands me his book, and waits until I say goodbye to try and get one last "circle" or "pick-up" out of me. He usually follows me to the door laughing loudly and saying my name. It's unconditional love.

I didn't have to do anything to earn Ryan's love--except for maybe be born white--and I really don't have to do much to keep it. Some days I can get him in trouble and others I have completely ignorned him in my quest to finish lesson plans. And yet, I still him shout my name every time he sees me. He unconditonally loves me.

It gets me thinking about how awesome God's love is. I mean it's even more unconditional than Ryan's is for me. I can mess up every day, I can forget God exists, I can lie/steal/cheat, I can do anything. And yet nothing is to big for God and he will ALWAYS love me.

I can just picture God looking down at the world, seeing me and his whole face lighting up. And He's literally shouting for joy because I'm there, because I just exist. How awesome is that kind of love? And to know that God has it for me and will always have it for me...oh it gives me goosebumps!

I've also been guilty of wanting so badly for Ryan to recieve all the rewards he should be getting for behaving correctly. There are days that I allow him to get away with not listening far longer than I allow the other students. And I may even be guilty of adding a few stickers to his book after class (he was just so far behind!) and today I seriously considered giving him a piece of candy when he came to say goodbye (he's the only kid who did today!) And he tries so hard with his English words that I often ake extra time teaching him a new word or giving him a head start on the rest of his class to name a flashcard first. I just want to give him everything; though sometimes I know I can't.

I'm sure God's the exact same way. I hear people ask all the time, "how can you belive in a loving God when he lets x happen?" Do you really think that God ever wants "x" to happen? I'm sure that God often feels just like me, he wants to slip me an extra friend because he knows I'm feeling lonely. But he knows I need to learn to step out of my comfort zone and attnd Bible study to meet people. Or he wants to drop a bottle of parmasean cheese in my lap but he doesn't because he knows my eating habits are not conducive to raising children one day. I know that God would LOVE to give me all those rewards and blessing and oftentimes, he does. But there are times where it breaks it heart but he knows that it will strengthen me and help me grow so we do it the hard way.

As I sit in this office and count down the minutes until my desk-warming duties for the day are over, I'm amazed at how much God has taught me in the short month and half I've been here. He's used a broken mirror and a 4 year old so far--though those are only the ones I've told you about, there's been so much more--to teach me great lessons about Him and to strengthen my relationship with my Father. I know that I'm here for a reason and I'm sure I'll learn much more about God be it from Ryan, my walk home from work, coworkers who don't speak English, or even Burger King.

And just for kicks and giggles--and because I'm having a hard time properly ending this post--a conversation with Ryan this morning:

"Kara, here" [hands me flowers]
"Ryan are these for me?!?! Oh thank you, I love them!"
"For wife. Daddy and mommy flowers. I you flowers."
"Thank you Ryan."
"yes, okay. I love you. Bye" (and he runs away with my heart in his hands!)

:). The kid really does think we're married. But if I get flowers out of it, I'm taking them :)